A1 | Introduction, A Gift From Derrick |
A2 | Some Jokes That Have To Do With My Girlfriend, A Hotel In Boston, A Man In Provincetown, Twitter, Time Vs. Timing, A Neck Pillow |
A3 | Sub Pop Showcase At SxSW |
A4 | Ask A Pastor |
A5 | Some Jokes That Touch Upon Religion, Guitar Center |
A6 | A Linkedin Profile |
A7 | The Time I Was Mugged In Mexico With Michael Stipe |
B8 | Girlfriend, Khaleesi, Any Questions, Making A ‘Zine |
B9 | Contacting Celebrities On Facebook |
B10 | Not Happy With A Parking Ticket I Got In Portsmouth, NH |
B11 | Paintings I Made To Showcase At My Local Whole Foods |
B12 | I Marry A Couple From The Audience On Stage |
C1 | Welcome To The Meditation, Please Get Comfortable |
C2 | The Body |
C3 | Feet & Legs |
C4 | Tummy, Doodle & Hoo-Hoo |
C5 | Heart |
C6 | Throat, Arms & Hands |
C7 | Head |
C8 | Thank You Body, Simple Ways To Relax |
D1 | Enter The Fuckscape |
D2 | Take A Ride On The Poon Schooner |
D3 | I’m A Dirty Little Foreign Advisor |
D4 | I Thought I Was The Pancake Man |
D5 | You’re A World-Class Pussy-Grifter |
E1 | Introduction |
E2 | Horse |
E3 | Horse Galloping |
E4 | Horse III |
E5 | Duck |
E6 | Duck II |
E7 | Dog |
E8 | Cat |
E9 | Cat Purring |
E10 | Cat Asking For Directions |
E11 | Two Sheep Arguing |
E12 | Mice Making Fried Rice |
E13 | Bear |
E14 | Wolf |
E15 | Fox Embarrassed About His Boner |
E16 | Giraffe Sleeping |
E17 | Turtle |
E18 | Turtle II |
E19 | Chicken Prostitute Haggling |
E20 | Shark |
E21 | Toilet Flushing |
E22 | Blender |
E23 | Automatic Door Opening |
E24 | Doorbell |
E25 | Alarm Clock |
E26 | Frying Pan Sizzle |
E27 | Teapot Whistle |
E28 | Dishwasher Running |
E29 | Telephone Ringing |
E30 | Telephone Falling On The Ground |
E31 | Shower Running |
E32 | Crackling Fire |
E33 | VCR Ejecting A Tape |
E34 | Group Of Businessmen Agreeing |
E35 | Baby Locked In A Dresser |
E36 | Fart |
E37 | Long Fart |
E38 | Fart III |
E39 | Little Girl Crying |
E40 | Man Walking In Boots |
E41 | Screaming Man |
E42 | Screaming Woman Who Sounds Like A Man |
E43 | TV Audience Clapping At Food |
E44 | Drum Circle |
E45 | Rave |
E46 | Last Guy At A Rave |
E47 | Train |
E48 | Steam Engine |
E49 | Neon Sign |
E50 | Motorcycle |
E51 | Scanning An Item |
E52 | Feeling For A Ripe Avocado |
E53 | Jihadist After Seeing About A Boy |
E54 | Jack-In-The-Box |
E55 | Jigsaw Puzzle |
E56 | Fire Truck |
E57 | Video Game |
E58 | Italian Person Eating A Pizza Pie |
E59 | Naturalized Immigrant Doing A Job You Are Unqualified For |
E60 | Abortion Doctor Enjoying A Candy Bar |
E61 | Grand Wizard Can’t Find A Sock |
E62 | Powerful Senator |
E63 | Powerful Senator II |
E64 | Fighter Plane |
E65 | Ambient Noise In An Airplane |
E66 | Airplane Flying |
E67 | Police Siren |
E68 | Police Siren In Europe |
E69 | Police Siren In Belgium |
E70 | Gun Shot |
E71 | Machine Gun |
E72 | .357 Magnum Inside A Watermelon |
E73 | Gays In The Military |
E74 | Thunder |
E75 | Rain |
E76 | Hurricane |
E77 | Blizzard |
E78 | Snowing |
E79 | Sentient Robot Going About His Daily Business |
E80 | Computer Downloading A File |
E81 | New Email |
E82 | Traffic |
E83 | Kids Playing In The Park |
E84 | Kids Playing In The Park II |
E85 | Spaceship Flying |
E86 | Spaceship Crashing |
E87 | Going To Warp Speed |
E88 | Alien Supermarket |
E89 | Laser Gunfire |
E90 | Someone Controlling Technology By Waving Their Hands |
E91 | Ronald Reagan Taking A Shower |
E92 | Tacos |
E93 | Fur Coat Getting Fucked By A Bunch Of Cats |
E94 | Tree Falling In A Forest |
E95 | Jewish Person Saying “Oy Vey” Wrong |
E96 | Summertime |
E97 | People Being Diligent At An Ad Agency |
E98 | Helicopters |
E99 | Living Helicopter Complaining |
F100 | Chinese Woman Eating Lasagna |
F101 | Hero Returning From A Budweiser Commercial |
F102 | Elephant Having Trouble |
F103 | One Of Those People On The Street Who Tries To Get Money |
F104 | Telephone Calling A Toaster |
F105 | Grasshopper Asking A Dog A Question |
F106 | Shortwave Radio |
F107 | Two Apples On A Rainy Sunday In The Fall |
F108 | Dentist Having Sex |
F109 | Panda At A Hotel |
F110 | Birth Control Pills Telling A Little Boy Not To Eat Them |
F111 | Cat That Doesn't Mind |
F112 | Male Toothpaste Being Sneaky |
F113 | Creamy Polenta Vs. Couscous |
F114 | Old Man’s Penis |
F115 | Dial Tone |
F116 | Museum That Needs To Use The Bathroom |
F117 | Celebrity Agreeing To Take A Selfie |
F118 | Guy Getting A Sweet Beej |
F119 | Fire Hydrant That Doesn’t Want Anyone To Know It’s Anti-Semitic |
F120 | Bellhop Who Got Stung |
F121 | LGBT Party Where People Are Eating Sushi |
F122 | LGBT Newsletter That Loves The Expendables Franchise |
F123 | Sweaty Kid Crying About A Sandwich |
F124 | Too Many Pieces Of Paper |
F125 | Puddle |
F126 | Magic Clown Using His Powers |
F127 | Wild Turkey Bragging About His Mansion |
F128 | The Number 84 Explaining To The Number 52 That It Is Bigger But Not Better |
F129 | Tape Recorder Being Used Wrong |
F130 | Misogynistic Maple Trees |
F131 | Apple Sauce Being Naughty |
F132 | Safe Word |
F133 | Two Pistols Sitting On A Shelf |
F134 | Cookies Being Arrested |
F135 | Sheep That Is Too Cute To Eat |
F136 | Daughter Reacting To Her Mother Telling Her There Are Two Kinds Of People In This World |
F137 | Desk Covered In Hair |
F138 | Person From 1870 Who Was Frozen In Time |
F139 | Boy Who Loves Hammocks |
F140 | Dustpan |
F141 | A Billion Ants Writing A Complaint Letter |
F142 | Two 20-Year-Olds Touching Their Winkies |
F143 | Yellow Line That Divides Roads |
F144 | Smell Of A Pear |
F145 | Group Of Wealthy Men |
F146 | Confused Child |
F147 | 25 Rats Sleeping |
F148 | Flowers |
F149 | Fishing |
F150 | Boat |
F151 | Mizzenmast |
F152 | Bow |
F153 | Stern |
F154 | Basement |
F155 | Rainbow |
F156 | Telescope Being Defensive |
F157 | Larry King Being Told Important Information |
F158 | Well |
F159 | The Moment A Well-Respected Author Wins The Guinness World Record |
F160 | Salad |
F161 | Little Girl Teasing A Lamp |
F162 | Zoo With Nothing To Lose |
F163 | Racist Stapler |
F164 | Friendship Bracelet |
F165 | Thor’s Hammer, Mjölnir |
F166 | Two Lost Fireflies |
F167 | Humpback Whale |
F168 | Elevator At The Empire State Building |
F169 | Tip Of A Billionaire’s Penis |
F170 | Brand New Pillows Covered In Blood |
F171 | French Kids Picking Apples |
F172 | Huge Pile Of Dirty Shirts |
F173 | Hotel Guest Falling Asleep Frustrated |
F174 | RomneyCare & ObamaCare |
F175 | The Nerve Of Some People |
F176 | Boner School |
F177 | Spilled Milk That Found Out Its Son Died In A Car Accident |
F178 | A BuzzFeed List |
F179 | Two College Kids Subtly Trying To Figure Out Which One Is More Disadvantaged |
F180 | Fox News & MSNBC |
F181 | Amicable Divorce |
F182 | Bing-Bong Ding-Dong Playing With Boom-Boom Doom-Doom |
F183 | Snacks In Iraq |
F184 | Telecommuting Cat |
F185 | Nano-Horse |
F186 | Hebrew Ray |
F187 | Caldor Binge Drinking |
F188 | Gender Roles On Their Way To A Football Game |
F189 | Details |
F190 | School Teacher Given Permission |
F191 | High School Hockey Team Seeing 20 Years Into The Future |
F192 | Cheese |
F193 | Anna Kendrick Discovering An Underwater City |
F194 | The Czech Republic |
F195 | Drug Lord Feels Pretty Bad |
F196 | Hotel Bed That Is Tired |
F197 | Warm Handmade Boiled Bagels |
F198 | Silly Billy Goat Got A Heroin Addiction |
G1 | A Medically Reliable Introduction To Digital Drugs |
G2 | Marijuana |
G3 | PCP |
G4 | Heroin |
G5 | Apple Cider Vinegar |
G6 | MDMA |
H7 | LSD |
H8 | Amoxicillin |
H9 | Peyote |
H10 | Amaretto Sour |
H11 | Oxycodone |
I1 | Crying |
I2 | More Crying |
I3 | Still Crying |
J1 | I Simply Keep Crying |
K1 | Welcome To My Russian Audio Phrasebook |
K2 | Common Statements & Questions For Everyday Situations |
K3 | Conversational Russian In The Workplace |
K4 | Casual Phrases For Parties, Pubs & Outings |
K5 | Proper Dinner Conversation For The Educated Guest |
K6 | Small Talk With Strangers & Acquaintances In Public Spaces |
K7 | Useful Phrases While On Vacation In Russia |
K8 | Commonplace Subjects Within The Rich World Of Academia |
K9 | Polite Ways To Engage People Of High Status |
L1 | Intro To Ringtones |
L2 | Phone Call |
L3 | Vibrate Vibrate Vibrate |
L4 | Ding-Dong Doodly-Doo |
L5 | Waterfalls Shrimp Shrimp |
L6 | Fiddle-Doddle-Doodle-Deedle |
L7 | Doo-Doo-Pa-Dee-Da-Da-Pada |
L8 | Phone Is Ringing |
L9 | Friend |
L10 | Love |
L11 | Spicy Fish |
L12 | Mother Calling |
L13 | Father Calling |
L14 | Mother 2 |
L15 | Father 2 |
L16 | Zippa-Dee-Doo-Da Zippa-Dee-Da |
L17 | Aaaaaaaa |
L18 | Wife Calling |
L19 | Husband Calling |
L20 | Someone Is Calling |
L21 | Fuckface Calling |
L22 | Acquaintance |
L23 | Unnnnnn |
L24 | Auauauauauauau |
L25 | Wouowowoooouuuooo |
L26 | Whistle Ring |
L27 | Trtrtrtrtrtrtrllllbbrrr |
L28 | Vrrrvvvvvvvvvvbbbrrr |
L29 | Hyeuueehuuyehyeheyehyeyeeuu |
L30 | Gwreeegwkqreu |
L31 | Hrrruuhrrrunnghruu |
L32 | Hraaaa! Hraavlaa! |
L33 | Luuuuleelaaalalou!! |
L34 | Unnngnhhhnhnhnuua |
L35 | Answer The Phone |
L36 | Pffrrrtttt |
L37 | Susan Sarandon Is Calling |
L38 | Colleague |
L39 | Doodle-Doodle Hoo-Hoo |
L40 | Hey! |
L41 | Waffles |
L42 | Fuckbuddy |
L43 | Piano Cleaner |
L44 | Bryan |
L45 | Cream Cheese |
L46 | Rabbi |
L47 | Priest |
L48 | I Can't Answer The Phone |
L49 | Intro To Outgoing Voicemail Messages |
L50 | Dr. Fart |
L51 | Sarah |
L52 | Social Anxiety |
L53 | The Sizzle-Maker |
L54 | Mittens |
L55 | Kate |
L56 | No Answer |
L57 | Debbie |
L58 | Andrew |
L59 | Phil Donahue |
L60 | Kaitlin |
L61 | Old Man |
L62 | Steve |
L63 | Lucy |
L64 | Judy |
L65 | Megan |
L66 | Leave Your Name |
L67 | Kim |
L68 | Tim |
L69 | Miguel |
L70 | Sebastian |
L71 | Penicillin Dong |
L72 | Thong McHacky-Sack |
L73 | Matt |
L74 | Katie |
L75 | Confident Balls |
L76 | Robert |
L77 | Mr. Shitface |
L78 | Pile Of Sneakers |
L79 | Pasta Nasty |
L80 | Crème Fresh Jackson |
L81 | I Can’t Answer The Phone |
L82 | Flitchy Woo-Woo |
L83 | Slick Motherfucker |
L84 | Sleepy Horse |
L85 | Can’t Come To Phone |
L86 | Dawn |
L87 | I Am A Doctor |
L88 | Nick |
L89 | Poodle |
L90 | Hello, Mr. Cunt |
L91 | Standard Greeting 1 |
L92 | Standard Greeting 2 |
L93 | Standard Greeting 3 |
L94 | Standard Greeting 4 |
L95 | Standard Greeting 5 |
L96 | Standard Greeting 6 |
L97 | Standard Greeting 7 |
L98 | I Can’t Answer The Phone (But I Want To) |
M1 | Please Take Off Your Shoes |
M2 | Don Draper Has The Flu |
M3 | Moons Over Your Hammy |
M4 | It’s Not A Slumber Party Without Thor |
M5 | Now My Back Hurts |
M6 | Waffle House Parking Lot Mix-Up |
M7 | Thank You So, So Much Mandy Patinkin |
M8 | Oops |
M9 | Sneaking Around The Zoo |
M10 | Goodnight, Buddy |
M11 | Baba Yaga Already Said She Was Sorry |
M12 | Faxed To The Wrong Number |
M13 | Linda Ronstadt Chillaxing |
M14 | 1960’s Street Fight |
M15 | Seriously Bro, You Just Made Me Goosh… Thanks |
M16 | You Can Call Me Al (Not Song) |
M17 | Don’t Worry, This Man-Nanny Can Keep A Secret |
M18 | The Best Misunderstanding |
M19 | Whoa… Lookout, Sir Beast-Weasel |
M20 | Kindhearted Fireman |
M21 | Let’s Put Our Intellectual Property Debate On Hold |
M22 | Happy Valentine’s Day, Mr. And Mrs. President |
M23 | Ice Cream Hearts Melting In The Love-Sun |
M24 | Offal For Lunch, Woo-Hoo For Dinner |
M25 | Goofballs Having Silly Fun |
M26 | The Jackal Never Misses! |
M27 | Land-Grabber’s Cousin Has Nice Upstairs |
M28 | Mrs. Thunder / Mr. 80% Chance Of Rain |
M29 | Don’t Mind If I Do… |
M30 | Round One Goes To Princess-Rump |
M31 | Happy And Stuffed |
M32 | Just Another Guns N’ Roses Brunch |
M33 | Pleasant Surprise At Sleepaway Camp |
M34 | Handsome Old Man Has A Tummy Ache |
M35 | Have We Met? |
M36 | No, Please… After You |
M37 | Gimme Back My Bonnie Raitt CD… Actually, Keep It |
M38 | Tollbooth Attendant Is Open-Minded |
M39 | 88% On Rotten Tomatoes |
M40 | Mischievous Whoopsy-Daisy |
M41 | Two Rascals Showing Off |
M42 | 48 And Flexible |
M43 | That Was Worth It |
M44 | Bandits Helping Around The House |
M45 | Army Buddies Going Big-Ball Bowling |
M46 | I’m The Autodidact Of Amour |
M47 | Oh, My Wife Knows |
M48 | That Was The Best FTP I Ever Uploaded |
M49 | The Healing Heart / Mother-In-Law |
M50 | Just Two Doves At A Sweat Party |
M51 | We Get Five Weeks’ Vacation In Holland |
M52 | Young Man Is An Excellent Executive Administrative Assistant |
M53 | Two Adults In A Small Space |
M54 | Dude, We’re On The 5 O’Clock News |
M55 | www.thepleasuresallmine.gov |
M56 | I Don’t Have The Hiccups Anymore |
M57 | Thank You For Allowing Me Access To Your Oven |
M58 | These Goat-Like People Know Their Bodies! |
M59 | Bill Clinton Is Still Quite Playful |
M60 | I Could Sure Use A Glass Of Water Now |
M61 | The Kindness Of Strangers |
M62 | We’re Registered At Bed, Bath & Behind |
M63 | IT Department Doesn’t Have A Care In The World |
M64 | Brassy, Bald And Ejaculating |
M65 | I Voted For McCain In 2000 |
M66 | New Car Smell, Old Car Feel |
M67 | Paul Can Really Push Good |
M68 | Stay In My Guest Room As Long As You Want |
M69 | David And Joshua Mutual Pleasure Exchange |
M70 | Doin’ The Flip-A-Doo |
M71 | Anti-Vaxxer “Saxophone” Relaxer |
M72 | Germaphobe Does Not Mind |
M73 | Very Sleepy Man Delivers On Promise |
M74 | Fourscore And Seven Years Of Happy-Happy |
M75 | Fart Walrus |
M76 | French Woman Enjoying A Danish |
M77 | No Shirt, No Shoes - Service |
M78 | With Or Without You (Preferably With) |
M79 | Shouts And Murmurs |
M80 | Pilates Are Invigorating |
M81 | I'll Take A Look At The Dessert Menu |
M82 | The Last Rock Star |
M83 | It's Noon Somewhere |
M84 | My Bar Mitzvah Was Ten Years Ago |
M85 | Community Bookstore Meet-Up Gone Good |
M86 | Love Clean Up, Aisle One |
M87 | Found Your Thing Using MapQuest |
M88 | Divorced MILF At A Used Record Store |
M89 | This Cheesecake Is Divine |
M90 | Jam Session |
M91 | Can't Find My Socks (Don't Want To) |
M92 | Even Better Than An Associate Degree |
M93 | I Went To School In The Boston Area |
M94 | Happiness Is A Warm Dong |
M95 | Square Hole, Triangle Peg, Plus Another Square Hole |
M96 | Call Me Dr. Stardust |
M97 | Now That's How A Puppy Should Sneeze |
M98 | Fun Times Inside A Grain Elevator |
M99 | Operation Cooch-Toot |
N100 | Preggo! |
N101 | My Parents Won't Be Home For A Year And Five Days |
N102 | Sure, In There Is Fine |
N103 | The Official Webcam Of Yugoslavia |
N104 | Last Entry Is At Three, But You Can Stay Til Six(!) |
N105 | We Were Just Talking About You |
N106 | Bridesmaid Cutting Loose At The Governor Bradford |
N107 | Sophisticated? |
N108 | We Deserve A Michelin Star |
N109 | Mr. Mamet Showing Off His Special Forces |
N110 | Soup Dumplings, Squish-Squish |
N111 | How Very Hemmingway Of You |
N112 | Drinking Straight Out Of Lust’s Milk Carton |
N113 | Amateur Anthropologist Makes Important Observation |
N114 | Senior Year Hebrew School Mischief |
N115 | I Wonder If This Was Allowed In Prussia? |
N116 | Pretty Fun Night In Merrill C3 Short |
N117 | Should We Take The Bridge Or The Tunnel? |
N118 | Dirty Boulevard |
N119 | Is The Love-Falcon Available For Birthdays? |
N120 | Portland, ME Is Cool… But Really Weird |
N121 | The Wish-Maker Will See You Now |
N122 | Head Of Development Instructing Rugged Hiker |
N123 | The Shenanigans You Requested |
N124 | What Gusto! |
N125 | Please Don’t Make This About Harold Pinter (Again) |
N126 | Wet Hot Americano |
N127 | A Gentleman Never Reveals His Source |
N128 | Glad The Town Approved Your Slurping Permit |
N129 | A Mime Betrayed, A Mime Forgiven |
N130 | Too Soon? |
N131 | Please Be Quiet Or You’ll Wake Up My Titties |
N132 | Never You Mind That |
N133 | She Got A Real Candy Apple Poot-Hooter |
N134 | Dolph Lundgren At That Top Of His Game |
N135 | Mustachioed Man Has Patience, Diligence |
N136 | Two Gigolos, One Office Manager |
N137 | Secretary Of State Is Not Off-Putting |
N138 | It Took Another Man’s Wife To Make This Boy A Man |
N139 | Nothing Goes To Waste |
N140 | My Mouse Is Thankful For Your Mouse |
N141 | Make Yourself At Home |
N142 | Meet Me By The Condom Machine |
N143 | I Feel Like I’ve Known You For Hours |
N144 | Oh, I Thought You Wanted Something Else, Glad It Worked Out |
N145 | Fire Your Dentist! |
N146 | Postwar Japan Is Well-Understood By These Two |
N147 | Gene Simmons Crying In A Pile Of Shit |
N148 | I’m The Only Lady Who Could Pull Excalibur Outta There |
N149 | Rooting For Truffles, Miami Style |
N150 | Businessman Has Ding-Dong Like Rocket Ship |
N151 | Sally’s In Charge |
N152 | Too Much Pudding, Not Enough Spoons |
N153 | The Turkish Parliament Has Approved This “Carrot-Man” |
N154 | It’s Raining Dan |
N155 | It’s Like Apples And Oranges (Fucking) |
N156 | College Is Exactly What I Was Hoping It’d Be |
N157 | Mentally Ill Farmer Is Finally Getting Help |
N158 | A Swedish Couple Enjoying Hearty Vegetables |
N159 | Vulnerable Oligarch Vulnerably Sexting |
N160 | Best Friends / Next Level |
N161 | Tooth Fairy Is Quite Real |
N162 | Civil Disobedience Met With Heartfelt Understanding |
N163 | A Textbook Case Of Level-12 Pleasure |
N164 | So Glad That Was You Behind Me |
N165 | An Astoundingly Honest And Fun Salesman |
N166 | Celebrating My Promotion With My Wife And Some Dude |
N167 | Martha Washington? Mmmm Hmmmm |
N168 | Crammin’ For The Jam Exam |
N169 | I’m Glad We Waited Til Dusk |
N170 | You Are As Powerful And Detail-Oriented As A River, Sir |
N171 | Just A Couple Of Lucky Special Ed Teachers |
N172 | You’re Like John Adams Times 1.5! |
N173 | Babysitter Surprisingly Into Divorced Software Engineer |
N174 | I Guess We’ll Need A New Kitchen |
N175 | Guilty Catholics Have To Marry Each Other |
N176 | They Call Me The “You’re Welcome Man” |
N177 | Let’s Get Your Mind Off Of The Dust Bowl |
N178 | So Relieved We Found This Abandoned Schoolhouse |
N179 | File Under “The Rolling Stones” |
N180 | No Need To Explain Your Clean Aqueduct |
N181 | My Poon-Noodles Are Your Doon-Poodles |
N182 | Two-State Solution With Benefits |
N183 | My Skill Set Qualifies Me For This Position |
N184 | Can’t Tell If This Is Sex Or Hockey |
N185 | Have The Report On My Dick In The Morning |
N186 | So This Is Medicaid? |
N187 | Mature Cougar Is Addicted To Beej Pie |
N188 | Abe Lincoln (Not That One) Is Ready For Fatherhood |
N189 | Sure, You Can Use The Cat Door |
N190 | No Senator, I Already Have Two |
N191 | PTA Meeting Is Full Of Joy And Wonder |
N192 | Oh Peter, Thank You For The Yard Work |
N193 | A Real Whodunnit! |
N194 | Horace’s Compromise |
N195 | Plutocrats Got Feelings Too |